what makes the world go round
The complicated life of Lyndsay Fraser
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Been a while…
It’s been a while since I’ve written anything on here, but thats because I found out people don’t usually use tumblr as a serious blog. I dont care I’m still going to make it serious for me so here it goes.
This past year I got some shocking health news, which I refused to believe so I’ve been trying to eat better and live a better lifestyle. I have barely been drinking this past little while, plus I’ve been trying to watch what I eat (but sometimes it hard to resist the odd ff) and trying to exercise more. I started taking karate and now I have my yellow belt. I’m gonna go back to classes next month and focus on my family and friends this month, now it being December.
So now I am dating this guy Martin. It will be 7 months this January, and lately we have been fighting alot but everytime we fight, we never seem to be able to let the other one part. I think that we truly love eachother thats why.
In one hour, people are going to start panicking because there’s this rumour going around that the Mayans have predicted the end of civilization and that day is tomorrow. Do I believe that? No. But I’m going to enjoy watching the people squirm all day.
In 5 days is Christmas and this year I’m actually really excited! Mostly because I get to see all my family, plus I get to load up on ham and turkey! It’s not even so much about the gifts this year.
So that’s my little update. If we survive this apocalypse I’m sure I’ll be posting more things come the New Year! But until then everyone have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
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No way out.. or no way back in?
As I’m lying here in bed, at 4:30am, listening to happy songs, thinking about all the meanings behind the lyrics, I start to wonder why my life can’t be as good as these songs. Tonight was the first time I ever sobbed listening to my favourite songs. You know you have it bad when…
Lately i’ve discovered a side of me I haven’t seen in ages, a happier side of me, a side of me that wasn’t bitter, wasn’t pissed of or angry at anything. A side I haven’t seen in so long. It felt like my skin rose and I was being lifted up high, higher then I’ve ever felt about myself. It felt so good. But as I sit here listening to happy songs, I realized that how long this feeling will last. It sucks because I would love to live the rest of my life feeling this way, but I don’t know if it will… I don’t want to be all down about my life, but it makes me sad knowing this happiness won’t last forever.
I love spending time with my best friends, family and meeting new people. Its brought me to really enjoy life, which I haven’t felt in a long time, but this feeling won’t last forever! Which honestly sucks! So what am I suppose to do. Everyone will say “you keep living life to the fullest”, which I’m trying to do, but that is hard to do everyday, when the road ahead of you might not stretch as far as you think it will stretch.
What am I suppose to do?
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Happiness
why is it that everytime I do something nice, I never receive it back?
When I was in highschool I met this guy at my cousins wedding, he was my waiter and man was he cute. So I asked for his number before the end of the night, and from then on it was a flirt fest between the two of us. It never got anywhere serious, until my graduation night. I had told him weeks in advance that I didn’t have a date, so I asked him if he would like to be my date for the evening of the dance. He agreed which made me happy, up until that night. He arrived late drunk, missed the dinner, and stayed for an hour for the dance, until we decided to hit up my after party at my friends house. So as the night went, we drank, had a few laughs, and overall it was a goodnight, until the next morning when he decided to leave at 7am. The next few days he ignored. Then finally he got up the courage to tell me he didnt want anything serious and it wasnt going to work. So we never spoke up until last year. we just talked, he was in a serious relationship at the time, so we just talked like acquaintances. A few weeks ago I told him some news about me, when I asked him if we could hangout sometime. Just to get everything out. He offered to pay for the whole night, and would take me out for dinner and a movie. I agreed, but as the week went along, he got a bit more flirtier, started telling me how attractive i was, and how excited he was to see me. At first it turned me off, but as the day got closer I started to get more excited to be going out. Thats when it all went south. On thursday he told me he was gonna try to get work off today so he could take me out, and he said he would have to call this one guy to take his shift. so I asked him if he got the guy to take the shift, he replied “i havent heard anything from him”, so I said “that sucks. is everything alright”? Thats when he laid the boom. He told me he was starting to get serious with this chick at school, and he couldnt bring himself to come see me because he was afraid that if anything happened between us, he wouldnt be able to forgive himself for doing anything with someone other then her. I told him that he was a selfish prick because all I wanted to do was talk to him as a friend and see him one last time, but once again something else was better then spending time with me for one night, even if it was a date or just as friends.
So once again, why is it every time im nice, i never get it back? Why am I such a nice person if I dont even get rewarded for it. It’s like when the good guy dies in the movie. You say to yourself “that person didnt deserve to die”, but yet again they did, but why?
I have yet to discover that answer, but until then I will keep being nice to everyone until I figure it out. That way I won’t piss off to many people along the way..
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2012
So now its 2012 and a lot has changed. It’s time to reflect on what happened in 2011. I’m not gonna write it all out because a lot happened but I will say that I have become a changed person. A better person in my eyes. And my life has changed quite significantly. Maybe not all of it was happy, but it was for the better. I’ve learned that just because something bad in your life happens, doesn’t mean it isn’t for the better. Something that might affect you negatively might be positive for someone else. I’ve stumbled upon some bad news recently and it was tough to find out, and it still is tough, but i found out something tougher then my bad news.. Jordan asked me the single most toughest question I have ever had to face, “why?”. Honestly I don’t know the exact answer to that question, no one does, but I replied “because I’m ready” because I understand “why now?” . I don’t expect you guys to understand or even him but that’s the thing, no one will but I know why it’s happening now, and the why will come later. Only a few people know what I’m talking about, and honestly Im not ready to tell the rest quite yet. I just know that I’m happy with who I am as a person, I haven’t been for a long time but I am now. Im enjoying every minute of everyday and nothing will put me down. Im sick of looking down at life, it’s time to look up. All Im happy about is that I have friends who care, family who love me, and a few extra people who love me for who I am and want to be there for me.
So to anyone who is reading this, thank you for taking the time to listen, it means alot to me, and I hope someday soon you will experience life the way I am now, because everyone deserves to be happy!
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What is ok and what isn’t ok?
The other day when I was cleaning my room, I stumbled upon a pad of paper that I used back in college. On the first page I wrote out a list of things that were ok and not ok in this world, and today I’m going to share with you this list. I’m sure I’ll find more things for that list later on, but this is where it starts:
- It’s not ok to deface public property, but ok to deface the air we breathe
- It’s not ok to prostitute your body for sex and money, but it’s ok to show yourself off naked for money in a strip club
- It’s not ok for anyone under 19 to drink, but it’s ok to let 14 year old’s legally have sex
- It’s not ok to lie to others, but it’s ok to lie to yourself
- It’s not ok to steal items you didn’t purchase, but it’s ok to steal someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend
- It’s not ok to drink and drive, but it’s ok to drink till intoxication
- It’s not ok to cheat on a test, but it is ok to cheat in life
- It’s not ok to rob a bank, but it is ok to rob people with tax’s
- It’s not ok to kill humans, but it is ok to let a man free for murder depending on his status
- It’s not ok to physically harm certain animals, but it is ok to slaughter other animals so it can be made into food
That’s all I can think of right now but if anyone has anymore please add on. Maybe I’ll come up with more soon.
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wtf
What is going on in the world? does anyone know the answer. No, because it’s like asking what love is, because everyone will have a different answer. But seriously, I wanna know what people think is going on in the world. If someone asked me that question, I would say “to much”… cause honestly, there is to much stuff going on in the world for anyone to know everything. In fact each individual human being is to complicated for even one’s self to understand. I don’t even know everything about me. So I wonder why we even bother trying to fill ourselves up with knowledge when we can’t even comprehend our own self. Sure life would be dull if all we knew was ourselves, but I think we should all spend more time by ourselves figuring things out about ourselves more then doing anything else.
These past few weeks I have discovered alot about myself, but people keep saying “you have so much to learn”, “it takes time to grow and understand ourselves” and the best one yet “it’s only been a couple weeks, you may think youve changed but you havent because you havent absord it long enough”. I honestly wanna say f.u. to all those things because honestly, I’ve been stuck the same way for years now, and finally im learning stuff about me that I’ve never found out before, and you know what, I have changed alot so don’t tell me I havent absorbed it enough because I have. Im alot more trusting, I see myself to have alot of potential in life, Im doing things on my own, and Im loving life again. So what if I just discovered this a few weeks ago, It has changed me and it always will. So to all you people say Im to young and that I have alot to learn still, f.u. Im alot more wiser, and Ive learned quite alot. Sure Im probably gonna learn alot more things along the way, but this has changed me quite a bit, and I’m gonna run my life my way.
I know my friends and family don’t like me talking about my personal life on this, but I’m sorry, its my way of talking about myself, even if no one reads this. It feels good to talk about your feelings, especially when you need to. Sure Im talking about my feelings on the web, but hey atleast im not posting it all over my facebook wall like some people I know. Ya sure people from facebook can see this, but I don’t care, it makes me feel happy.
If anyone has questions or comments please don’t be afraid to share them, I love listening to people’s thoughts.
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Dear world,
It’s Lyndsay again, this time I bring joy and happiness. A week ago I met a bunch of guys in a SFC in waterloo and ever since then my life has changed. Each of them have left there mark in my life this past week, and each of them have successfully helped me feel alot better about myself. I won’t go into detail about what each of them did but I can tell you this: 1) one made me stop all the thoughts in my head for a minute 2) one got to touch me and laughed 3) one is the coolest asian guy I ever met 4) and last but not least, one made me feel comfortable to be me.
All of them are a new chapter in my life, and I hope that they all stay in my life for a long time. There role may change later down the road but all that matters is that they stay apart of my life some how.
Now that i’m starting my training in the SF world, its gonna consume a bit of my social life. At least that will keep me busy for a bit!
As far as life goes, its going pretty good. Got a new job working at Panabaker pizza in Ancaster, I’m hanging out with friends a lot. I’m also getting back into the things I enjoyed a lot like reading and drawing and hanging out with my family and stuff.
And with christmas coming around the corner I get to look forward to go shopping for presents!
Ya Im holding up, but of course life is no picnic. Ya it can be rough, but I know now that im pretty lucky that I have friends and family that care about me, I didn’t realize it before but I am now, and I wouldn’t trade that up for anything in the world!
Its hard finding people who make you feel comfortable. Both my friends named Paul taught me that people care about you, whether they are your friend or family it doesn’t matter if it hurts them to hear your pain, what matters is that they wanna see you get better and will always be there for you. If someone walks out of your life because it hurts them to much to see you in pain, then they don’t deserve to be a part of your life. Those who do stick around and try to help you out are the one’s who matter. Don’t let them go! No matter what! If they decide to go that’s there problem, but don’t punish the people who do care just because one person decided to walk out on you, just know that there are still tons of people who still care!
That’s the best advice I can give anyone right now. But now it’s time for me to get my rest and see what life hands me tomorrow.
